Monday, July 11, 2011

We all Loved you (Musings)

I had typed this awhile back. Felt like publishing it now.

We had to put down Minnie on a Saturday. The 2nd of July, 2011 at 2:10 pm. She was suffering a lot and we all believed her time had come. We were thinking about it for a week. She was cremated. We got her ashes back on Monday.





I'm not sure why I'm typing this. Maybe it's because I miss her a lot. Maybe it's because I'm not completely sure if it was the right decision. It might as well just be an obituary, just something to remember her by. Or maybe I'm just pitying myself albeit selfishly.

She had gone through a lot. I don't want to type about it. She was a beautiful dog. During her last month she looked worried more than anything else. I'm not sure, maybe she was confused.


I will be wondering about whether this was the correct decision for a quite some time. Contemplate what if scenarios and think about whether or not what we did was right. We may even regret it sometimes. But eventually I, as everyone else in the family would, realize that it was the only choice we had.

Her condition had become such that she found it hard to even move, though she kept trying to.

My mother had taken a holiday on the day she left. Apoorva drew a picture for her.
One of her best(and only) drawings yet.


 I myself wrote a letter for her.

"Minnie,
You are an astonishing one. It's amazing to see someone as small as you move something 4 times your size with the slightest nudge or touch. I remember so many times when the world just seemed too busy to listen to my problems that you'll simply cuddle next to me lying there. Perfectly okay with being next to someone so far away from perfect and whose let down so many in his life.


Even now if anything goes wrong, simply putting your head on my arm is enough to put me to sleep. I'm glad you trusted me enough to sleep off yourself if that happened.


You loved Amma the most. Your bursts of joy on seeing her wake up or entering the house  will never be forgotten. I was happy when I saw her feeding you with a baby bottle, just as she did when you first came to us.


The greetings Atha used to get when he came home would almost trip him if he didn't realize you were snaking between his legs. There's a reason you're always fed at the table when he comes home.


Apoorva, my god, how much she loved you. She'll hug you whenever she got the chance, and sometimes never let go. Usually due to jealousy but that's as good a love as any.


Ammama took care of you so much when you were younger. You almost started loving her as much as you did Amma. I really hope you remember her.


Don't forget the bhaiyas who helped you whenever we weren't there. They were our only consolation when we had to leave you alone.


I always wanted you to feel calmer since that first seizure. I'm sorry I didn't realize you were telling us to let you go. I simply didn't want to look into that scenario at first, though I knew it was coming close. I hoped that someone being around you helping you walk or anything of that sort would make you feel better. Guess it was just time.


You were so much fun to be around when you were young. And so much more comforting once you got older.


You counted for a lot in my life. Only a few other close ones do as much as you. You've given me enough to love you for the rest of my life. Although I'll always feel bad about not spending time with you longer, I'll be happy for you.


Happy to see you calmer now. Being somewhere where there's no need for laboured breathing. Happy to see you go someplace safer.


I read this poem somewhere about pets going to a bridge before heaven where they wait around playing with each other waiting for their owners to take them across. Stupid thing made me cry to no end, even if I found it rather hard to logically believe it. Oh well, another reason to be better to others I guess.


I love you Minnie. We all did. You helped me through a lot. And made me feel so much better about being me. You will be missed. Thank You. "


I took care of her a lot during the end. I was bordering on mean, definitely irritable towards my mother and sister during those last few days. I kept saying that mom wasn't spending enough time with her, because I knew how much her presence calmed Minnie. She had to go to the hospital and had to handle moving out by the end of this month. But I now realize how wrong and insensitive I was. We all lost someone we loved. At least I was able to spend enough time to understand the necessity of the action.

She used to quieten down the moment Mom held her.

We took her to the vet at about 1:30 and spent some time with her till the vet was free. She left quickly once the injection was given. We cremated her at a place called Animal Farm run by an NGO in Wagholi.

It's a nice place.

Minnie leaving got me thinking about a lot of stuff that I never really thought about before. Including my grand father. I regret not spending more time with him. More now than before. It also made me slightly more grateful for the people around me.

I'm not religious and never completely believed in reincarnation, heaven or hell. But I see how the concept is necessary. I admit that now I really want to believe in the existence of an afterlife. The consolation that one gets from a loved one not leaving forever is immense.

We all loved Minnie. The fact that she had to leave is inescapable. It's sad that it can't be helped to think about it. But I guess that's all we have for quite awhile. Its hard to exactly put down how or what I feel. But relief is most probably one of them and definitely love.


12 comments:

  1. This post made me cry. You might never know if it was the right decision or not, but you can be sure that what you did gave her peace. I'm so sorry for your loss. Judging by the pictures and the letter you wrote for her it looks like she had a wonderful family who loved her immensely. I really hope that she will be waiting for you at that bridge, and that my lost pets will be waiting for me.

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  2. Dear Rohan,
    It is clear you shared an intense bond with Minnie. Your sorrow of having to let her go is palpable. Time is the best healer of them all. You write beautifully and your words really touched me. God bless your loving heart always!! Life teaches you many lessons along the way.Learn from them but move on more mature and purposefull . Lots of loves, Baby Aunty.

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  3. Dear Rohan,

    I had posted a comment imdt after u published it..but I guess it did not get uploaded.

    Very ell written, it conveys the pain that all of us underwent during those heartwrenching days. Thanks for understanding that it was not because I loved her any less.but the number og things on my plate that made me spend less time with her. I concede that she was very secure and calm whenever I held her or fed her or just sat with her. That notwithstanding, you looked after her more than anyone could have - I doubt anyone even a human loved one would have got the time and care you lavished on her in the last few days.......hats off to you, Monu. Apoorva and I did our bit , but you were the mainstay...Love you for who you are....the world would be a better place if it had more like you........

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  4. Rohan ........mon , just read your account. Your writing could get each reader feel almost the same pain as you I guess. I am sure she couldnt have had people more loving and caring looking after her........and she would have definitely felt secure and safe with you all....God will keep her .

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  5. Rohan beta………….Minnie has passed on gloriously, having been a trusted companion to you and everyone in the family. I know, how feeble and fruitless, must be, any effort of mine, which should attempt to beguile you form the grief of a loss so profound. Nevertheless, having read your musings, I cannot refrain from the sharing you a piece of my thoughts. Time will assuage the anguish of this grief and assign you with pristine cherished reminiscence of dear Minnie - so affable and absolute, staunch and faithful. I know you will miss her deeply, but I am also certain that you will recognize and cherish the good times in the many years of beautiful association you shared as good loyal friends, ever willing playmates ever happy with every bit of affection shared. God Bless. Sujit

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  6. Monu,

    Like Amma I had also posted a comment the day Amma forwarded your splendid piece to me. Seems it did not come up on your blog.

    Son,all of loved Minnie a lot. You did much more for her than any of us. She in turn showered all of us with tremendous affection which you have captured very vividly in the instances that you have narrated in your piece. It is going to be very difficult to erase those memories; especially for you, Amma and Apoorva. There will always be a debate in our minds as to whether we took the right decision to put her down. But we can take solace from the fact that it was a considered decision taken in the best interests to alleviate her suffering that you, most of all, have been witness to in her last days.

    We all thought that we knew what Minnie meant to you. But after reading your sentiments in your piece, I realise that atleast I had not been able to fathom the support she gave you. Son, you have been through the worst phase of your life yet during the last year. It is to your credit that you maintained your composure and balance without letting the depth of your emotions be known even to Amma - your greatest friend, philosopher, guide and confidant. I failed to read it completely and don't know if I will ever be able to forgive myself for it. So sorry.

    Son, even today, I regret not having spent enough time with my father during his last days - a sentiment that you have also expressed in your piece. That's human frailty. We realise the wrongs that we have done only after it can't be undone.But I am sure that Athatha's noble and understanding soul will forgive us.

    Tell Apoorva that the picture she drew or Minnie is really good. I agree with you - it's her best ever. The sentiments that have been endorsed on it are also very touching.

    Son, I did not realise that you had such wonderful power of expression. You have grown in stature and respect in my eyes.May God be with you always and credit you for your pure heart of gold.

    Monu, I love you.

    Atha

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  7. Hey rohan , this reminded me of My doggy IVY. She passed away :( Its just a melancholic overwhelming feeling that we all get. Am glad u came up with this.

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  8. Dear Rohan,
    Thank you for letting me know that my grief is understood. You must miss your Darling Minnie still so much. It's difficult to hear "they are in a better place" when we want that place to be here with us. The hole that they leave in our lives is unimaginable until you're actually faced with it. The loss of friendship, unconditional love, humour and overall sense of connection leaves us in a vacuum of sadness. My heart really goes out to you and your family. I can only hope with all my heart that your beautiful Minnie is showing my beloved Tucker around and that they have become fast friends and will wait until we are lucky enough to see them again.

    Peace and happiness to you.
    Hayley

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  9. Thanks for the recent comment on my blog :-)

    Miss your posts. Hope you and your family are well.

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  10. Believe it or not.. our dog's name was Mickey.. and we had to put him to sleep 3 years back. He was 13years old at that time.. and he was half-blind and half-deaf by that time.. He was banging into things and he fell down the stairs a couple of times 'coz he couldnt see... that was when we thought we were making him suffer and it was not fair..

    I can totally relate to this post... Dogs are such wonderful friends.. I cant even describe how much i miss my dog..!

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  11. This post just breaks my heart. I know exactly how this feels unfortunately. :o( I am so sorry you had to make such a hard decision. And I'm sure, even now, 2 months after her passing, you still feel her absense. It's tough letting go. I remember asking my mom when I was younger why dogs only live such a short amount of time. She told me a comforting story similar to yours about our pets waiting for us in heaven to welcome us. Even as an adult, I still like to believe that's true.

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